Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
