i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
