Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
