I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
