If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Randomize