oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
this hospital has no fireball
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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