Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
