Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
