Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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