Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
