piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
