the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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