I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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