literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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