Where did you get a picture of my penis
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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