I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
