you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
50% drunk capacity currently
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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