cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
