One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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