dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize