I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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