to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
