Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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