Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
