party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
