Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
