okay pat passed out under dana's car
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Alive.
So much puke
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
