the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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