i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
