My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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