She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
