new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
