There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Damn victory sex feels great
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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