I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dignity is for republicans.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
