She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
