Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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