I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
