wrigley field is MILF paradise
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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