I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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