we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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