I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
