After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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