News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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