Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
