Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Less talking, more tequila
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
