Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize