Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
