the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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