hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
