I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
