I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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