threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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