Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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