I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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