Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
