i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
