everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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