Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
