god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
