Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize