i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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