i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
